Highlights from the Java Trials of 2035

Java was outlawed after an on-line hockey pool suffered a gravitational collapse and formed a black hole. It was formed by the mass of RAM needed to run the application exceeding the Chandrasekhar limit. Java programmers went into hiding or were imprisoned. Here are some highlights from their testimony.

“I’m not going to sit here and say we didn’t know what we were doing. We knew what it meant when we wrote those frameworks. We knew what we were doing when we were down-casting. It was all just business as usual.”
-Defendant 324

“They told me to just increase PermGen size. I remember it didn’t feel right, but I did it anyway. I guess I thought it would be alright since everyone else was doing it too. The next time it happened, nobody had to tell me.”
-Defandant 4258

“I turned to [Defendant 844] and asked whether she had seen that exception before. The next thing I knew we were deploying classes that just swallowed the exceptions. Nobody asked why the logs were clean. I don’t think they wanted to know.”
-Defendant 843

“We thought everybody wanted to switch logging implementations at runtime. Nobody ever did it in practice, but that was never the point. We decided to [REDACTED] another logging framework [REDACTED] or maybe switch to Ruby.”
-Defendant 1378

“I made those classes final. It was my decision. I thought I knew what was best.”
-Defendant 56